The MOJO guide to 2017: Trump's pants, climate change and a new GFC.


The year 2016 by all accounts was a year when bad stuff happened. If you weren't born yesterday you already know this, but just in case, let's remind ourselves.

David Bowie died. Terrorists killed 35 people in Brussels, now officially no longer the world's least scary place. The Panama Papers were released and just as we've all suspected, the global elite are enjoying a largely tax-free existence. Prince died. Muhammad Ali died. Britain surprised everyone and voted to leave Europe and everyone freaked out. A terrorist killed 87 people with a truck, in Nice. Elon Musk's Space Ex Falcon 9 blew up for some reason. Also for some reason people dressed up as clowns and freaked people out. Leonard Cohen died. Lastly, and this one is still playing out, Donald Trump was voted US President by less than half of US voters.
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So what's next? North Korea declares war on Tasmania? Bat-people emerge from the world's oceans and eat our shoes? It seems like nothing is beyond the realms of possibility. To prepare for the coming weird-ocalypse, here's just what you never knew you would ever need:
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The MOJO guide to 2017 - How to not freak out.

Trump

Starting where 2016 left off is useful because a day in Trump's administration feels like a year and a half. So much happens that you barely know which way to look, despite the fact that whichever way you do look, there is Trump, saying something nuts.
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How to not freak out.

Keeping a cool, calm exterior is a manly sort of activity and is greatly enhanced by wearing comfortable underwear. Shifting about in your chair might be mistaken for anxiety, even though you may just be trying to readjust your underpants without using your hands. Well fitted undergarments mean for well mannered men. Trump could certainly use a pair. Sorry for leaving you with that image. Focus on what you can control and get yourself some quality MOJO here.
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Trump shifts in his chair.
Trump shifts in his chair.
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Global Financial Apocalypse

You've probably heard whispers of this disaster for some time. Every investment advisor knows that he or she needs to have a knowledge of the underlying factors. For the rest of us, consider this: Since 2008 (the last massive global catastrophe) the US government has added more than 10 trillion dollars in to the economy. Normally this would mean the $USD value would drop. It hasn't because everyone needs US dollars to buy oil. If this were to change the correction would be a dinosaurs-killing-asteroid scale correction. Don't worry though. Only countries like Iran are trying to stop using US dollars for oil and it's not like anyone really minds...oh hang on.
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How to not freak out.

You may detect a pattern here, but if the world's finance system were to catch fire and burn to the ground and we all need to start living off home-grown turnips, the real value of things will emerge. What will have real value? The kind of things which are hard to make yourself. Consider this then, have you ever tried to make, or tried to wear, a pair of homemade underpants? For the history of underpants and the many reasons why you should be glad you don't have to sew your own, click here. Suffice to say a loose fitting cloak made of local pets you attracted to your garden with animal noises is all very well. Try to make some underwear from same and you'll wish you hadn't survived this particular apocalypse. To stock up on the good stuff before the internet winks out for good, click here.
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Even this guy didn't make his own underpants.
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Climate change

By now you've probably worked out who, amongst your many friends, thinks climate change is a story made up by every scientist in the world (except for like, three of them) to confuse us into buying more science. The reality of the heatwaves, the rising seas and the melting of Antarctica are hard things to pretend are not happening, but we are in the Trump-Zone now so truth is what you say it is. Nonetheless, there are quite likely to be continued extreme weather events, whether those events are caused by the coal industry (they are) or the sun, or Bat-people from the world's oceans, you need to be prepared.
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How to not freak out.

Clearly, if you can run a marathon in a pair of underpants then you can enjoy a hot summer's day sipping beer in the shade in those same underpants. It makes sense then that if you are expecting 47 degree heat, you need to be wearing the underwear which saw you through the earlier marathon and beer sipping events. MOJO garments are designed to do certain things very well. These include fitting, not making you hot and making you look good. So, why not be comfortable and good looking as the world cooks? You know it makes sense. Make your way here, to get your MOJO on, for the coming global climate transformation. 
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On hot days you still need underwear.
To sum up, everything is going to be alright, but you really need to buy some MOJOs to look like you believe it. Keeping calm means staying comfortable. The year 2017 is going to be a wild ride. Make sure you are good and ready with a sufficient supply of excellent underwear.